I haven't used this forum to address race often. And I honestly don't know if that is intentional or if it has been done unconsciously. In any case, I am currently reading The Black Notebooks by Toi Derricotte. It is a book that I've owned for years and have started several times. For whatever reason, I couldn't get past the introduction.
So I restarted this novel a couple of days ago mainly because I was out of books to read at home. FINALLY, I got past the introduction and found the book nearly impossible to put down. It is a collection of written recollections from Derricotte -- who is a black woman of white skin tone able to 'pass' as white. Oddly enough, she has touched on so many experiences that I have had at one time or another. Some which make me smile thinking 'I didn't know anyone else felt that way' and others that don't make me smile.
It has encouraged to maybe confront my feelings on race more directly. I tend to put my feelings about race out in a joking manner. Almost censoring myself when the topic is brought up outside of the comedic forum. The thing is that I'm not sure how I feel about race relations as a whole. If you give me a specific event or situation where race plays a part, I could probably argue until the cows come home. But generally speaking, it's a bit harder.
Mrs. Xpinionated often hears me say something about how I don't like people. Sometimes I'm more specific and say I don't like black people, the joke being that I'm black. Other times, I'll throw other races in there. It's not that I don't like any particular race, I truly believe everybody gets on my nerves at one point or another. Again, tying it to race is my defense mechanism of making a joke to either conceal my true feelings or protect the feelings of others -- and I'm not sure which it is. Mrs. Xpinionated finds it even funnier because strangers seem to talk to me quite often which is unexpected for a person that claims they don't like people. I guess the truth is I don't like people in general but within that large population of 'general', I am willing to make exceptions for specific individuals....does that make sense?
I digress. Race has been left out of this blog partly because I sometimes get tired of hearing about it. Sometimes it's left out because though I feel I want to talk about it, I don't know how to approach. I don't want to be the victim playing the race card nor do I want to talk as if I'm the voice of black folk everywhere. Sometimes I don't write because I fear what I write may signal alarms to my white friends and family that I don't want to deal with. But race is always there with me whether I acknowledge it or not. And if I start to write about it on this blog, I don't want to censor myself, cleanse myself, or otherwise change my writing so as to not offend.
Derricotte speaks of 'bearing and baring anger' in her writings with regards to race relations among friends of different races. In brief, in order for any lasting communication to be worthwhile between friends of different races, both parties must be allowed to bare anger as well as both parties must bear anger. The anger cannot be thought of as a personal insult; rather an accumulation of emotion and experiences that have reached a boiling point.
So I guess that if I plan to get a bit more serious on this blog, especially with the touchy subject of race, I ask that you bare anger when you need to and be willing to bear anger when it comes to that.
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