Never Enough Off My Chest

Far too often I feel like what I do is not good enough. I don't make enough money. I don't have a big enough house. I'm no good at handyman work. It's like no matter what I do, she won't be happy.

And it's beyond material, it's always about her. If I say I'm tired, she's more tired and I have to hear why she's more tired. If I say my foot hurts, her back is killing her and we need new mattresses.

Then there is the constant fear I have whenever she starts a sentence with 'been thinking' because she only thinks about ways to spend money that we don't, and the way things seem to go 'won't', have. The other day, as if there was a windfall of loot, she says we should get the hardwood floors that snap in place and then you can call Bobby and Gary to help put them in. Yeah, that hurts on several levels:

1. Don't know what money she plans to use to upgrade to these new hardwood floors which are only necessary because of those damn cats...seems to me getting rid of the cats would be a cheaper and more practical solution.


2. I can't say her always bringing up other folks to help makes me feel good. I wouldn't mind trying some of these things but her criticisms would take the joy of learning while messing up out of it.


3. Even if we did do this, it would be maybe two weeks before we would need to do something else.

I guess what I need is for her to realize that with her pay cut and rising costs, she makes me feel like shit when she is constantly asking for stuff. Or one of my favorites is I'll joke about having a sports room and she says 'When we buy a house with a basement' like our current four bedroom home is garbage. Like she didn't take a 40% pay cut for less stress even though I personally believe she loves drama and stress and will create it if it doesn't exist. But it's somehow my fault that we don't have a basement.

I'm venting and this post is nowhere near linear but I need to get it off my chest. Last night, I went to watch the Skins play horribly. Besides the usually sudden gloom to make me feel bad for leaving -- something I never do to her regardless of the situation -- I now have to hear about 'the kind of night' she had with Devin. What's odd is I never seem to have these super horrible nights when it's just me and him. I'm seriously thinking about not going out but once a month for two reasons....so she can't run a guilt trip on me and so I can run my own guilt trip on her (staying home with my own doom and gloom).